For endof_theline

[impossiblenottolike]

[ooc: from here.]

Yelena was not nervous. She did not get nervous, even if she was about to have a big important conversation with a friend about maybe being something more. Even if she was pretty sure that she wanted more she did not get nervous. So whatever this feeling she was feeling was not nervousness but something else.

And so maybe she was making like… way too much macaroni and cheese. It wasn’t stress cooking it was just making sure she had lots of leftovers. Yes, that was it. And making sure that Bucky had enough to eat because he was a big, strong, kind, handsome super soldier who probably ate lots of macaroni and cheese.

She also did not change out of her comfy outfit of leggings and a loose top into jeans and a nice blouse just because Bucky Barnes was coming over. No she did that just because it was entirely practical to wear less comfortable but nicer looking clothes at a time like this. She was not sure how it was more practical but she was declaring it so.

If Bucky did not get here soon though she was going to start field stripping and cleaning her weapons just for something to do to take her mind off of this big moment that was definitely not making her nervous.

Comments

[endof_theline]

Bucky is nervous. He's definitely very nervous and he isn't sure if he can hide it. Being on a mission is one thing, but this? These are feelings. Feelings, along with a conversation, and he already knows how terrible he is at that kinda thing.

He tries not to stall, even though he wants to, but he knows it isn't fair to keep Yelena waiting. So he's quick with the drinks, grabbing something alcogholic and non-alcoholic. Who knows what she'll need by the end of this.

When he gets her place and buzzes up, he drags his fingers through his hair a few times, trying to fix it. Maybe he should have changed. Worn something nicer. Instead he's just in his usual long sleeves, jacket and gloves, with jeans. It's alright though. It has to be alright. This is gonna be alright.

If anything, they can just have a nice dinner together.

[impossiblenottolike]

“If that is Bucky Barnes come up and if it is anyone else go away because I’m going to have a super cool dinner with my friend Bucky!” Yelena called into the speaker as she buzzed to let Bucky in. She had enough cameras around (ones the building didn’t know about) to see it was Bucky but still. Talking, rambling really, was a way that she dealt with things at time. She was generally clever enough that something smart or amusing would come out if she didn’t know exactly what to say.

Speaking of which, she was already rehearsing in her head what she was okay to say. Or at least the high points that she wanted to hit. There were a lot of “It’s okay if you don’t… I don’t want to ruin… I care about you too much…” right now but more than anything she didn’t want to hurt Bucky. Enough people had done that already and she would not be one of them.

And why was he taking so long to come up? Or maybe he wasn’t taking long and Yelena just wanted to see him. If she was honest with herself that was it. She just wanted to see Bucky, to look him in the face and see that however he felt it wasn’t hurt, so rather than wait for him to get there she opened her door and leaned against the frame, waiting for him to get there.

[endof_theline]

Her speaker message makes him laugh as he heads inside, and that already relieves a little bit of the tension that has built up inside of him. She always gets him to laugh, is the thing, and it's nice.

He doesn't even need to be this nervous and he knows it, he just really wants to do the right thing here.

He's up the stairs pretty quick, smiling a little when he sees her already standing there at the doorway. "Hi. I brought the drinks. Two kinds, actually. You look nice."

[impossiblenottolike]

“What, this old thing? I mean… I did totally change and put this on to try and look nice so I am glad that you like it,” she admitted. Yelena had already decided that she was going to spend this evening being honest. While most of her bravado and confidence wasn’t bluster sometimes she played things off and so big deal when they were actually something of a deal. She wanted Bucky to know that she’d made at least a little effort.

“But you look nice too,” she said, moving aside so that he could come in before shutting the door behind him. He’d been smiling, which she was going to take as a good sign. Yelena had been worried she was going to have to dance around the issue to get a read on him but seeing him smile made her considerably less worried. “But come sit down. I already put the macaroni and cheese in bowls for us so that we can eat while I tell you how much I really like you.”

There, it was out there and now they had to deal with it.

[endof_theline]

"Well, it worked." The thing about Yelena is, she is very confident- and honest. Bucky appreciates it, even if it makes his brain stop in its tracks sometimes. Like with this. But since being reintroduced to the world- a much different world than he was used to, it's been hard figuring things out. Figuring people out. Half the time it almost feels like they're talking a language he barely knows, and he has to read between several lines, so he does appreciate her honesty.

He heads inside, giving her a small thanks when she tells him he looks nice. He sets the drinks down on the counter, pulling them out of the bag, then removes his jacket and his gloves, setting those aside too. That part is nice- that he doesn't have to hide so much of himself. Maybe that's why his two dates failed so incredibly.

Maybe it can be different with Yelena.

He wonders how they're going to bring it up, and he feels a little awkward, but then she tells him to come sit, and the rest of it comes flowing out of her too, which is pretty impressive. Then again, she always is. He bites at his lip, raising his eyebrows, as he lets out a soft, nervous laugh, but he goes to sit. "Oh good, now you get to see me blush in real time."

[impossiblenottolike]

“Yes, my falling for you is all part of my master plan to get to see Bucky Barnes blush,” she said. Yelena was well aware that she just admitted to falling for him but now that this had started she just wanted to get it all out there so they could figure out where they stood. Sitting opposite of him she poured herself a shot of the booze and downed it.

“I like you. I think I like you more than anyone except my family,” she said, just going for it. She was not good at being vulnerable. For bit the first time she wished that Nat was still around. Nat would know what to say, know how to guide her through this conversation or at the very least she would have encouraged Yelena. But she was mostly in her own for this so she had to do this her own way. “When I am doing things and you are not around I wish you were there doing them with me. Or you are the first person I want to tell about them. When I sit on my couch and watch TV I wish you were there with me. When I think ‘oh life sucks’ I think ‘oh no it doesn’t because there is Bucky Barnes in life and he is wonderful’. And when I think about all of it I think that I want to be your girl.”

Yelena took another shot, mostly to avoid having to look at Bucky after saying all that. She wasn’t sure how he was going to respond. Ideally he would say he’d like the same thing, which she had totally researched the correct phrase of “being his girl” on the internet so she could even use that. If that wasn’t evidence to herself how hard she had fallen she didn’t know what was.

[endof_theline]

"Hey, I'll have you know, my blush used to be life changing." Used to be, he says, as always, because that's not the man he is anymore. Back then, he might've been the one saying all of this with such confidence, but now?

Now, he listens to her lay it all out, and his brain tries to supply at least twenty reasons why this wouldn't work, right off the bat. He's sure it'll be a hundred more by the time dinner is over, but- it's also just so genuine and sweet. It's nice, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel the same in so many ways. The difference is, he's tried not to think about it.

That last part hits him the hardest though- not the thing about being his girl- though he absolutely adores that too, because it sounds so familiar- but the part about how she thinks life doesn't suck because there's him in it. The Winter Soldier. Bucky Barnes.

"I- uh." Breathe, Bucky. Breathe. "I don't know what to say. I'm... I just never thought..." Shit. He wanted to do this in person, but he's fumbling all over himself. He blows out a breath, dragging his hand across his face, but then he lets it fall against the table, reaching out for her hand. He needs to pull it together.

"You see how I am now? This is how I always am. This is how I feel always. Even though- I like you too. I like you a lot and you being my girl would be a dream, but- I'm an idiot who can barely handle this conversation." Another breath. "I'm scared. I'm scared of messing us up."

[impossiblenottolike]

“Well yeah, I want you to be my idiot,” she said, like she wasn’t surprised at all that he would call himself that. “But I do not want to be your girl because you are so good at talking about feelings. I want to be your girl because what is here.”

Yelena sat up a bit from the table so that she could tap a finger over his heart. Yes Bucky was handsome. VERY handsome. And the brooding thing was kind of sexy at times. But he was not smooth about feelings and she was broken. But so was she.

“Because I know you have a good heart even if you don’t. And yes, you are broken. And you will always be some kind of broken. But me too. And I do not think that together we will be fixed or healed but I think we will be happy. We will be better,” she said. The more she talked, the easier was to talk about these things. It was like all these thoughts that had been swirling in her head that she had been dwelling on, or avoiding thinking about, finally had an outlet. “And I think we screw up. Probably so much. But unlike our pst screw ups we can go through them together. If you do not want or can’t be in a relationship that is fine. I will still be your friend. But thinking we shouldn’t be in one because of who you are? That is wrong.”

[endof_theline]

There's a part of him that wants to tell her that she doesn't know what she's really asking for when she says she wants him to be her idiot, but- maybe she does. She knows what he's been through- maybe not all the ins and outs of it, but enough. She knows what it comes with, even now. How that sort of thing never really leaves you alone- not in your brain, not in your heart. Hell, physically for him too, and not just when it comes to his arm.

But she knows, because she went through so much of it too, and maybe she's right. She speaks so many truths.

There's nothing he enjoys more than when they're together. She's the best thing in his life right now, and if she really, truly feels that way about him too, then... "See, that's another thing. I'm wrong a lot. And as my girl, you're gonna have to tell me that all the time. I feel like that'll be less of a problem though."

[impossiblenottolike]

“As my girl.” That statement had her stomach doing flip-flops and her heart fluttering. She knew that wasn’t an agreement to be a couple but it felt close, it felt so close that she couldn’t help but grin at him. She was going to be Bucky Barnes’ girl.

“You are not wrong a lot. You are just wrong about one or two things all the time, like how worthwhile you are and if you deserve good things. But if I am a very good thing and if I am your girl that is like, half the problem right there.”

Sometime she should probably fess up to her tendency to be a know-it-all. Bucky surely knew, that much was obvious, but she should probably fess up to it sometime. Not right now though because right now she wanted to hear the words that they were going to try this, that they were both going to commit to it.

“But if we are going to do this you have to promise me one thing. You have to promise if I say nice things about you, you cannot say they are not true. You can say they do not feel true or you can’t see it or you don’t think so but you cannot say I am wrong about how wonderful you are,” she said. As much as that might have sounded like a tease or a dig she was serious. Bucky would always have those doubts and she wanted him to share those with her but she wouldn’t let him tell her she was wrong about what she saw.

[endof_theline]

Yeah. Yeah, it's looking like she's gonna be Bucky Barnes' girl, and he's gonna be her guy. His stomach is doing a weird fluttering too, and her smile makes it even worse, but it's not a bad thing.

"You make a very strong argument for that. You are the very best, and if you're with me, I guess I gotta kinda accept that I deserve good things." It's a start, right?

As for what she wants him to promise her, he tilts his head, scrunching his face a little, but then he nods, reaching out to slide his fingers along hers, "...Alright. I can try to do that to the best of my abilities. Anything else? I think this is helping."

[impossiblenottolike]

Yelena preened a bit when he admitted she was the best. Of course you would say that about someone that you were going to be with but it seemed like he believed it at least partially, which seemed like a big step. Even if he was sort of joking about it, that seemed like a big step.

“Trying your best about that is very good so I will accept that,” she said, taking another bite of the macaroni and cheese, chewing while she thought about anything else she thought was important about the relationship. After a moment she nodded.

“Yes, non-negotiable. Forehead kisses. If you are leaving and will not see me right away, you should give me a forehead kiss. I cannot do that to myself so that will have to be one of your duties okay? Very important.”

[endof_theline]

He's not really joking about it at all. He's trying to be real about it. To show her that he can try. He's willing to try, because she's right. Not wanting to do this because of how he feels about himself- it's wrong.

"Thanks." He hasn't even started his mac and cheese yet, he's been so nervous about this, and it might have to hold off for even longer when she mentions forehead kisses and he reaches out for her hand. "Come here."

[impossiblenottolike]

"Ah, okay..." she said, giving him a bit of a puzzled look before she slipped his hand in hers and moved in closer. She couldn't help but smile at that, the warmth and roughness of it. She liked that, liked the way her smaller hand fit in his without the size difference seeming weird. He had a very nice hand for holding, she could get used to this.

"Like this?"

OMG DID U SEE THE THUNDERBOLTS TRAILER

[endof_theline]

"Like this." Once her hand is in his, he runs his thumb along her skin, but then he tugs her closer and sits her in his lap, then leans in and kisses her forehead. "I think I can take on this duty."

Is he being suddenly too forward? He hopes not. She's making him feel a little more confident and courageous with it, though. "Just for starters."

Noooo, I am still trying to decide if I want to avoid it and go into everything as pure as possible!

[impossiblenottolike]

"What are you- oh. Oh this is very nice," Yelena said, squirming a little in his lap. Totally to try and get comfortable of course, not for any other "nefarious" reason or anything like that, just for comfort. When he kissed her on the forehead she flushed a bit even as she gave a shy smile.

"You cannot save those up you know you still have to give me one when you leave," she said, curling up against him, relaxing just the tiniest bit, some of the tension from her usual alertness melting a way. "Is this a good time to tell you that I do think about you naked?"

I had to get my Bucky and Yelena crumbs lol

[endof_theline]

"Glad you think so." Now that she's here in his lap, looking all flushed and shy, he feels it a little too. But she's always been good at this. Getting him to step out of his comfort zone.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure I don't hold back with my forehead kisses." She curls up against him, and it's so... nice. He hasn't felt anything like this in a long time. Hasn't let himself. Maybe with Yelena it's time to let go. Of course she takes it a step further and it makes him nearly choke, but it dissolves into a nervous laugh. "Ah- I guess it's as good a time as any."

Now I am tempted to check it out!

[impossiblenottolike]

Yelena reached out and began running her hand up and down his arm, just a simple motion that was intimate only because she knew that he'd never let anyone else do that sort of thing with him, at least with not freaking out. Maybe it would take them a long time to get to anything else so she wanted to start with touches that didn't come with any implications, just in case.

Of course she was going to tease him with words though.

"Okay. And it is also a very good time thinking of you naked. But there is no rush for the real thing. I have a very good imagination in the meantime."

Going in pure is also good tho!

[endof_theline]

When Yelena touches him, there's no freaking out. It feels comforting and warm. And now that he knows he can let himself feel more than that, he wants to open himself up to it- or at least start to. Truth is, kind touches have always been hard to come by for him, and he figures it's been the same for Yelena too.

"I bet you do." It's a little awkward, thinking that she might be thinking of him naked right now. He tries not to let it get to him though. Yelena is honest and he likes that about her.

He lets his real hand slide back into hers, bringing her fingers up to his lips to kiss them. "Maybe we can start with this- and some dinner. And we can talk about things."

[impossiblenottolike]

As much as Yelena talked, talking about relationships and feelings and things was not her favorite thing. Honestly if Bucky hadn't been so emotionally withdrawn at first and reluctant to do this she probably would have been the one to drag her feet or try to avoid those sorts of things. Bucky had helped her grow though, and now she was "stuck" with a boyfriend who wanted to have dinner at talk. But it was talking with Bucky, and that was different and better.

"But that requires I give up my really good seat right here. And it is a very comfy seat. You would girl your girl out of her comfy seat to have dinner?"

[endof_theline]

It's not his favorite thing either. Not by a long shot, but she dragged it out of him so yeah- maybe she's stuck with it now. As much as he likes her, the whole naked talk is still a little too much for him, so maybe the relationship talk is better. Besides, she's so good at it.

"Alright, well- no. I'm not gonna make you leave your comfy seat. But I do wanna try this mac and cheese you made. Grab your bowl and hand me mine. We can both eat right here, like this." Compromise, right?

[impossiblenottolike]

“Okay yes, that will work,” Yelena said with a nod. If this turned out to be really uncomfortable for him she would move but she was serious when she said that she was very comfortable right now. She could not think of the last time that she’d felt this close or safe to someone.

Shifting in his lap she grabbed their bowls, handing him his before curling up again. Bucky had a pretty great lap and she could foresee spending a lot of time here.

“Macaroni and cheese and being with my guy? This is a pretty great time for me.”

[endof_theline]

He takes the bowl from her, smiling as she curls up again so easily. This is nice. He's not so damn nervous anymore. At least for now. He finally eats some of the mac and cheese, giving her a nod.

"Oh, this is good. You don't even know how much I like mac and cheese. It's- very nostalgic. Used to cook it with my ma all the time." He doesn't talk about his life before a whole lot. Barely at all, actually, so this is definitely something.

[impossiblenottolike]

“It is my favorite. With lots of hot sauce. So good. I would say it’s very American but did you know that Canadians eat more macaroni and cheese per person that America? They do not even call it macaroni and cheese, it is Kraft Dinner or KD. What a crazy country,” she said, shaking her head while she continued to just rest up against Bucky.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d let herself get this close to someone, physically or emotionally. Well, physically when she was fighting them or trying to kill them but that was different. Finding someone she could do this with? It was special. She knew that it was special.

[endof_theline]

"I did not know that," he says while looking at her, both amused and entranced. He could really just sit here and listen to her talk for hours. He prefers it over talking about himself, or old times. It's all about the here and now.

"I've never had it with hot sauce before, though. Thanks for making this for me." Especially not knowing how this conversation would go. "You know- I was real nervous."

[impossiblenottolike]

“I will feed you so much macaroni and cheese with hot sauce you will be round, Bucky Barnes,” she said, beaming a smile up at him. Yelena had never thought of herself as domestic, although she certainly had the training to be, but she did like taking care of people. It was like being a hero on a small scale. She especially liked taking care of Bucky. Not because he needed it but because he deserved it and it made her feel happy and special that he let her.

“Why were you nervous? I know why I was nervous but why were you nervous? If you say it is because I am very scary that is okay. I can be very scary sometimes.”

[endof_theline]

He has to laugh a little at that. It's very, very sweet- and so is her smile. "You are truly wonderful, I hope you know that." She makes him feel warm and wanted. Not just a thing, a weapon, a ghost. He just hopes he can be there for her too.

"You're not scary. You're- outgoing and confident. You're this beautiful, lively force of nature that... I dunno. I just hope I don't diminish in any kinda way." He reaches out to brush her hair back. "I'm- a mess. I haven't been good for anyone in a very long time and I'm nervous that I won't be good at any of this with you- and I want to be. I really want to be."

[impossiblenottolike]

“Excuse you, I am very scary in some ways,” she protested. That was probably the difference between them, even if neither of them wanted this sort of lifestyle Yelena did embrace it more than Bucky did. While they both wanted to help others and would use their skills if necessary she wasn’t as reluctant to embrace that role as Bucky was. In some ways, maybe a lot of ways, she enjoyed it. She had worked hard to develop her skills and was proud of them.

“I am a pretty big mess too. I have a lot of anger issues. So much anger. And I have never really been someone’s girl before. But I do not think you have to be any different than you have been to be good at this. Putting me in your lap and playing with my hair? Very good.”

[endof_theline]

"Okay, yeah- when it comes to professional business you can be very scary." But that's different from personal stuff, isn't it. She'd be right about their differences, though. He doesn't want to use the skills he has for everything, because they weren't taught to him, they were forced on him. He didn't learn them through his own hard work, they were tortured into him. He'll fight if he has to- he knows he absolutely will, but he doesn't think he'll ever be proud of any of it.

None of that helps with his confidence either.

"Thanks. That helps. Hearing it from you helps. And- you're right. We both have issues. You just seem so... sure of yourself. Like you know who you are and what you like. You know that you wanna be scary, but you still tell me all about your feelings. It's amazing." He wishes he could be more like her, pretty much.

[impossiblenottolike]

“I do have a pretty healthy self-worth that is true,” she admitted. Her confidence came from a lot of places, not the least of the which was the fact that she was a legitimate bad ass. But she also had the confidence of knowing that someone as amazing as her sister had sacrificed herself for Yelena. It hurt her heart to remember that but how could she not value herself so highly when Nat had?

“But that is because I believe all the great things about myself and have come to accept that I deserve them. Okay I mostly have come to accept that. You are amazing too, I think you just don’t let yourself believe that. But you let me believe that and I think that is good.”